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The Dog Rules
As They Apply to the House
Rule 1
The dog never goes in the main house. The dog stays outside in the specially designed wooden compartment named, for a very good reason, the doghouse.
Rule 2
Okay, the dog can enter the main house, but only if his own house is being renovated or repaired.
Rule 3
Okay, the dog can enter the house for short visits or if it’s his birthday. Or if it’s really hot outside, or really cold. Or dark.
Rule 4
Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his doghouse can be sold in a lawn sale to a rookie dog owner who doesn’t yet know the rules.
Rule 5
Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
Rule 6
Okay, so that he doesn’t look so much like a prisoner, the cage door can be left open.
Rule 7
To prevent further back problems caused by you crawling into the cage and coaxing the dog to join you, the dog can sleep on a blanket beside the cage.
Rule 8
Okay, so along with the doghouse, the cage becomes part of a “two-for-one” deal in the lawn sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases in the house.
Rule 9
Okay, the dog rules the property, and he can run around the house barking his fool head off like he owns the place, but his name should never actually appear on the deed.
Rule 10
Okay, the dog’s name can appear on the deed as the official owner as long as he names you the beneficiary in his will. That’s the least he could do.
Excerpted from The Dog Rules (Damn Near Everything!) By William J. Thomas
The Dog Rules
As They Apply to the Furniture
Rule 1
Rule 2
Okay, the dog can jump up on your lap while you’re on the furniture, but that’s it.
Rule 3
Okay, the dog can jump up on the furniture if he’s got something important to show you, like the stuffed Easter Bunny he stole from the kid next door.
Rule 4
Okay, the dog can get up on the old furniture, but not the new furniture.
Rule 5 Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like old furniture, and then we’ll sell al the bloody furniture in the lawn sale with the dog house and the cage in a three-for-fifty-bucks trifecta.
Rule 6
Since it’s spelled with a “c” and not a “k”, the dog is not allowed up on the BarcaLounger.
Rule 7
Okay, the dog can sit in the BarcaLounger but only if it’s in the upright position.
Rule 8
Okay, the dog can gear down and put the BarcaLounger in the “sleep” position, but only if he’s really tired.
Rule 9
Okay, the dog can shift into the “rocker recliner” position, but never the “swivel glider” position.
Rule10
Okay, but if the dog activates the “swivel glider” mechanism and he gets sick, he cleans it up himself.
Excerpted from The Dog Rules (Damn Near Everything!) By William J. Thomas
The Dog Rules
As They Apply to the Bedroom
Rule 1
The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
Rule 2
The dog can sleep on the floor on either side of the bed or at the foot of the bed provided he’s on his monogrammed dog bed that cost $150 plus shipping form L.L. Bean, which he hates.
Rule 3
Okay, the dog can jump up on the bed just before you go to sleep or in the morning when you wake up, but just for a short visit.
Rule 4
Okay, the dog can sleep on the bed but only at the foot of the bed provided he’s on his own blanket.
Rule 5
No, the new sheets and covers are not to be selected according to how they color-coordinate with the dog.
Rule 6
The dog never sleeps alongside you, like another human being.
Rule 7
Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he’s not allowed under the covers.
Rule 8
Okay, the dog can sleep along side you, under the covers, but not with his head on the pillow.
Rule 9
Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores, he’s got to leave the room.
Rule 10
Okay, the dog can sleep, snore, fart and have all the nightmares he wants, but he’s not to sleep on the couch in the TV room, where you now have to sleep. That’s just not fair.
Excerpted from The Dog Rules (Damn Near Everything!) By William J. Thomas